Hi there...
Ok, dont get ya hopes up too much coz this is going to be a serious post... sorta :P
I thought I might bare all and write this on here so some of my rants are a little justified lol PFFFT yeah right :P
Since Gaga has been around I have really been struggling with certain emotions and thoughts that I cant seen to shake... The hardest thing about this is when I can't seem to get out how im feeling in words so i just stew on it coz none of it makes sense when i try to explain it... UH OHHH lol
This post is not dig at anyone and if anyone gets offended... then it's your problem not mine lol It seriously isn't aimed at anyone in particular... just how im feeling at the moment!
I know that I have plenty of people around me but I feel so god damn alone at times that it starts to make me think about the past and when left with my own thoughts I know im dangerous...
In the past I have been the shoulder for everyone to lean on or cry on, I have also been the protector and the person people came to when they had a problem... ALL THE TIME 24/7
When friends have had babies I was the one who was there to take them places and to be there daily if not in person, on the phone, listening to all the shitty things about motherhood and also sharing in the beauties of motherhood even tho it was still years before i would experience this first hand.
I slightly feel resentful at the fact that I have been there for so many people through everything and yet currently... I FEEL like this and alone!!
I wasn't there for others so that when I had a baby then they would be here for me, I did it because i wanted to... and thats why im getting so damn frustrated... I thought it wouldn't be an issue...
Like i said, this is how I feel and I know that how im feeling is a little strange at the moment but shut up, its my story and i'll tell it how i want to lol
I am so emotionally drained that most days i just lay next to Gaga listening to music and thinking to myself... "J, get up and do something and stop feeling sorry for yourself!! "
And I dont know why i dont get up and do something...
A lot of people have told me "oh its because you're a new mum and sleep deprived and it will get easier"
Well also apparently I have low iron (very low lol) so that could be an issue ;)
But i honestly think that for years and years I have been this person who was so independant and who went out whenever i wanted and did whatever I wanted and helped out friends and family as much as i could... I was the emotional punching bag as im good at putting on a front and sorting out other peoples problems... I take on what they say, let it play out like a movie 100 times in my head (wooo for overactive thinking PASS lol) and add some common sense into the equation, which, lets face it the people who im friends with dont have much of LMAO and then WAAALAAAAH bob's your uncle (well actually no he isn't lol) I'll have a solution for your problems and then you wont listen anyway and then i've just spent a fuck load of time on trying to help you out because you came to me for help and now you're fine and over it and your not listening anyway??? Hmmmm Im suprised I haven't cracked earlier really lol
I just do not have the mental ability to deal with anyone else's crap at the moment. And it's not because I dont care... It's not because im sleep deprived... its not because "im busy with my new family" and it certainly isn't because my "priority's have changed"....
It is because I have been a strong woman who has stood tall and strong for everyone around me for years and years now and I no longer have the capacity to deal with it!
Maybe in the future I won't feel like this and I can go back to being there for everyone... or maybe in the future I will realise that this was never a healthy option to begin with and I should of realised this earlier???
Food for thought? Hmmmm chocolate lol
Mumma J
xoxox
